A few months after I became pregnant with my daughter back in 2002, I started to have these things called anxiety attacks. If you are 'normal' and never had an anxiety attack, I can best describe one as a sudden gut-wrenching feeling of "oh my God, everything in the world is broken and it's all my fault and I simply must do something to fix it!". Along with this feeling comes a sickness in the pit of your stomach like you might puke or poop yourself, redness in the ears and face, and sudden sweating. So like a good suburbian house wife I hauled butt to my doctor to find out what was wrong with me. And being a good suburbian doctor, my lady suggested a combination of medication (of course) and routine visits with a therapist to find the source of my anxiety.
So for 6 weeks I set out to do my due diligence and speak with a therapist. This particular therapist was a Sister of Mercy. Why my nice suburbian doctor felt that I would be most comfortable with a nun, God only knows. Just because I wear a Mercy Ring doesn't mean that my comfort zone is with nuns... but anywho.... My therapy sessions revolved around mostly why every time I looked at my husband sitting on the couch I became infuriated (as I carry the laundry up and down the stairs) and how for no particular reason my 2 year old son is all of a sudden wearing on my every nerve no matter what he does or say and no matter how normal his behavior is for a 2 year old. Finally, at what would become my last session, the nun has her "A-ha!" moment.... she says to me, "Don't you know how to think like a child?" Um.....no! I spent 28 years of my life learning to NOT think like a child and how to think like an adult. I think with 1 and half kids I may have finally succeeded and now can actually say to my self "I am a functioning adult" So I very calmly ignore my ears which are getting all hot and turning red and I say to her "No, as a matter of fact I do not know how to think like a child". And then she proceeds to tell me how I will continue to have all these anxiety and anger issues until I learn how to think like a child. "No, I think I will call for my next appointment, thank you."
And so herein lies my quandry.... I finally have got a grasp on what I think I needed to learn to think and act like a fully functioning adult. Now I have to 'learn' how to think like a child? Why does this not seem right? I always thought my role as a parent was to teach my children how to think like an adult. So am I to believe that I need to digress (is that spelled right) back to toddlerhood to be a good parent? Well at the time, I was busy changing diapers, doing tons of laundry, packing diaper bags, reading "What to Expect" for the second time, painting and decorating a nursery, planning Thanksgiving dinner for 28 people, cleaning the house, and working full time.... After choosing not to see my therapist again, I forgot about this challenge that was put before me. Learn to think like a child.
Well my daughter was born eventually and came home. My anger and anxiety issues never really went away, but the anxiety definitely got worse. With all that is wrong with this world, I brought not one but TWO children into it? And how in the world was I supposed to protect TWO children from the evil I see every day. Those of you who are in the know might call this postpartum depression. I refused to give in to PPD so I called it anxiety disorder. I loved having babies. I hated having toddlers, and now I have 'tweens. 'Tweens are approaching teenagedom but not quite there yet. Definitely not a tot anymore and much more independent than a kindergartner or preschooler. I like the 'tweens. I feel like I can actually remember when I was that age (I may have been 14 or 15, but in my head it feels like I was 8 or 9). So now, 10 years into this parenting journey, I like to think I have learned to "think like a child". After all, I know who has a cell phone in the 5th grade and who doesn't. I know who is grounded, who got a new Nintendo DSi, who has lice, and what new episode of iCarly is on this Saturday. Not only do I know what this week's new iCarly episode is about but I plan on being here right at 8pm to watch it. (A little secret between you and me, when the kids are watching iCarly or Wizards of Waverly place at bedtime, I don't change the channel after I tuck them in). Does this count as "thinking like a child"?
Even more of a brain teaser for me, if I have in fact learned to think like a child, should I celebrate or be ashamed? Is it wrong for me to be fans of the Drake and Josh fan page on Facebook? Should I remove Hannah Montana (AKA Miley Cyress) from my iPod? Or should I embrace this new found talent I have acquired and sport my new Justin Bieber Tshirt to my son's football game on Saturday. And what was that kid really thinking at the McDonald's drive through when I gave him the "cheese touch" last Friday in response to a dare from 3 little girls in the back seat?
No comments:
Post a Comment