The Secret Life of Facebook

Unless you have been living under a rock, you have no doubt heard of Facebook.  You may have even found this post using Facebook. Many people still don't understand the draw of Facebook though. Some, like my father, don't even really know how to use it yet. Some might argue I don't know how to use it yet. Everyone uses Facebook for different uses and everyone knows how to use it for what they need. Some people use it to keep in touch with their family or friends, others use it for marketing. Some people use it to keep up with technology or to share technology, and still others use it as a way of staying "in the know" of their peers, coworkers, or employees.

Keeping in Touch
Can you imaging going to your 20 year high school reunion and knowing exactly who everyone is, what they look like now, how many kids they have, where they work, who they married, what they drink, and who they hang out with before you get there? Imagine no more. Welcome to the new reality now that Facebook is here. My 1993 graduating class of 123 girls is almost all on Facebook and I am in contact with about 80 of them.  Some of them own restaurants and bars which I have made a point of bringing my business to or sending business to. I am thrilled to see that some people who bullied me in high school because they were clearly so much better than me are now working at Target, divorced, and boozers.  I am friends with every one of my ex-boyfriends, minus the ones that I am still in hiding from, just so I can make sure I know how they all ended up.  I am Facebook friends with mortal enemies from childhood (keep your friends close but your enemies closer). I try to tell myself I am above such things, but I will never, ever, forget being spit on or being laughed at or ridiculed by large groups of girls.  I can grow up and stand tall, but I will not forget what your heart looks like.   

Facebook is a fantastic way of keeping in touch with friends that you had no intention of growing apart from, but you know, life happens. You move away for college, you have different jobs, different kids, different interests. However, strangely enough, when you share a pet peeve on Facebook and your old high school BFF likes your post, you reunite and share a moment.  Facebook is also great for keeping friends and family a part of your life through pictures. Share where you ate dinner last night, or the new recipe you made for dinner. Post pictures of your kids' recitals or basketball games. Keep sisters, brothers, parents, and grandparents engaged. Stop promising that you will call or write. You won't. This is better. They can be a part of your life in real time.

Facebook Stalkers
Do you have tons of friends on Facebook that appear to never to be online or not active? Don't let their inactivity fool you. Facebook stalkers are a very real presence. So you friended your boss a couple months ago. He is never really on Facebook, right? Wrong. Never assume that just because someone didn't 'Like' or  comment on your post that they didn't read it.  My brother is on Facebook.  I never see him posting anything. I never see him commenting or liking posts, yet when I see him in person, he knows EVERYTHING that has happened in my life because he read it on Facebook.  Facebook Stalker. I yelled at him and told him he has to let me know he has visited so I don't tell him stories he has read already, so he now tags all my posts with the comment "seen".  Don't assume all voyeurs will be so polite.  So you wrote something last night while you were drinking Tequila shots, read it this morning, and were SO glad that nobody commented so you could delete it in confidence. Not so fast. It was read. By friends and friends of friends. Your boss saw it. Your Dad saw it. Your Grandmother saw it. You are better off commenting on it with a good joke than deleting it and admitting guilt.

So you think you are smart enough not to friend your boss on Facebook? What's the point? Now that Facebook has added the Share feature, even the wittiest comment you make behind your boss's back can be shared multiple times, eventually being seen by your boss and traced back to you. Take credit for your wittiness and be known as having a pair! Go ahead, friend your boss! Just remember, if you have a bad day at work, come home, have a few drinks, and hand your laptop (and iphone, and netbook) over to a trusted friend until the next day. Refer back to the last paragraph if you are not sure why...

Checking In...
Checking in on Facebook is a great feature, especially when you are on vacation in a place like, say, Dallas Texas, with 30 other people who are also on Facebook. You break up in small groups. Then you think, "gee, I wonder what the rest of the guys are going". So you log onto Facebook and see the rest of your group 'checked in' to many places throughout the town. If one of them is near you and appeals to you, go meet up with them! This was our plan for 10 days when 30 of the Grzybowski-Mammoser family convened in Texas for a wedding this past July.  We all went as individual families to breakfast on our own schedules. When each family woke up and showered and meandered outside into the 120 degree crazy flippin 10am heat, they would wonder where the rest of the group is.  A Texas Waffle House can hold approximately 38 people at a time. I know this because by the time the first family was done eating, the last family had logged onto Facebook, found us, met up with us, and sat down to eat at the Waffle House, there were 2 four person booths to spare.

Checking in is also handy when you are somewhere by yourself hoping to God that you meet up with someone you know so you have someone to hang with and don't feel like such a complete dork being there alone.  Case in point, business travelers.  Sitting alone with your laptop in the concourse is normal, and not so humiliating. But what if you have a 4 hour layover?  When I traveled regularly for work, I would have LOVED to have had an iphone and Facebook. Check in at Chicago O'Hare. See who else has checked in lately. So you see, Oh! My friend so-and-so checked in an hour ago! Facebook them, "hey, I am here too! Wanna meet for a beer!" and wah-lah! You are no longer pathetic! You have a drinking buddy! See, isn't Facebook check-in great!

Checking in on Facebook can be not such a great feature too. For instance, when you have friended your mortal enemies (Refer to my second paragraph in post).  They know there are 2 adults in your house. You have checked in from Timbuktu and the other adult in the house has checked in from China. Guess what? Your house is vulnerable!  Luckily for me, I have an insanely obnoxious guard dog who is insatiably hungry for burglars and marshmallows watching my house while we are away. My house is always safe. However, other Facebook users without said crazy dog should be wary of this when they are 'checking in'.

Posting Pictures
The ability to take pictures at a moments notice and post them on the internet in real time has changed our reality forever.  Have you ever been walking and tripped over your own foot, or had the ball of your foot really stick to the carpet where you almost trip yourself? You straighten up and the first thing you do is look around to assess the damage. Who saw me? You know that sigh of relief when you realize nobody saw you or only 2 people saw you? Damage Control.  Imagine if only one person saw you, and she had her phone camera on and got it all on video. Big deal you tripped, right? Next thing you know, it is posted on Facebook with 1,487 shares and it has gone viral on YouTube. Still feel like it is no big deal?

Posting pictures on Facebook can be the coolest thing in the world for sharing the fun you had last night at the concert. It is amazing for letting Grandma be a part of your son's big moment at the football game.  It is awesome for showing everyone your new couch set, or the paint job you did in your kitchen, or your new car.  It's like having all your friends and family right there to share the moment with you!  However, tread carefully with this freedom.  Seeing a picture can bring a laugh, a smile, or a tear.  A carelessly posted picture on a Saturday night can destroy a marriage.  A humiliating picture can end a life. 

Remember, don't believe everything you see. Almost everyone who has internet access can access some form of free photoshop.  Some people are very good at it. Some not so much (and that would be me).  Don't be naive enough to believe everything you read or see on Facebook.  Not everything is as it looks and not everyone is as they seem. People lie, pictures lie.

Tagging People
This is my new favorite feature. On Facebook you can post that you are doing something and tag people that you are doing it with.  That is the most traditional use of tagging, but you can also tag someone if you just really want them to see something, like an article or something.  Of course, be careful here with tagging people because it has the same effect as checking in.  If there are 2 adults in a home and one has checked in one place and you tag someone with you, their home is vulnerable. Also, perhaps that other person doesn't want anyone to know they are with you.  If you are having an affair with someone, tagging them with you at the movies is probably not the smartest thing to do.  Always ask before you tag someone with you.  Accordingly, it is also appropriate to ask if you can tag someone in a picture before you do tag them (Although I never do).  I never said I was the most polite person in the world, but if you aspire to be, you should ask before you tag people in pictures.

The Point
I work about 10 hours a day on Monday, Wednesday and Friday and 8 hours a day on T and Th.  I have 2 kids. I should go to the gym 3 times a week, but if I get there twice a week, I consider it a successful week. I have guitar lessons on Thursdays, dance and basketball on Saturdays, and church on Sundays, and I personally do not take guitar, dance, or basketball.  I don't see my friends except for bowling on Sunday nights every other week. I am married and I love my husband. I sit next to him and watch the Sabres and Bills games 3 - 4 times a week.  It's a pretty sad existance really.  I NEED Facebook. 

When I login to Facebook, I have tons of friends. I am popular and funny. I have most of the friends I had when I was in high school.  I can be skinny (I still put up pictures of myself from 2005 or else I put up pictures from my shoulders up).  There is always something interesting going on. I always know what the current affairs are.  I can always find stimulating conversations to interject my opinions into because I am friends with friends, adversaries, enemies, coworkers, politicians, religious groups, competitors, technology groups, and community groups.  If there is anything that I ever want to know, I can ask Facebook. Some people Google it.  I don't trust Google's algorithm. I trust people I know over a mathematical equation.  It's like Apple's Siri.  If you own an iPhone 4S, you may ask Siri how to do something. I ask Facebook how to do something, and I trust what I am told. 

People may not understand why people like me are on Facebook so much. In this age of electronics and working too much, Facebook is my social network.  For all you people who say "You're crazy for being on Facebook all the time", I say to you, You are crazy for being around people all the time. I don't get the flu from Facebook.