Changing the Shape of your Body

As anyone who knows me or has read my blog knows I struggle with my weight. I am talking more than that stubborn 10-15 pounds that just won't go away... I mean like 75 extra pesky pounds. If you are looking at my profile picture you might be wondering where all that weight is. Well there is a reason my pictures are always from the chest up. I have been damned with a pear shape and I carry all my weight in my butt, hips, and thighs. Being that I sit at a desk for 9+ hours a day, it is all but impossible to get that weight to leave or even move elsewhere. So what am I to do?

The Brazil Butt Lift Workout

So loving DirectTV as much as I do, I happened to come across an entire 1/2 hour TV program dedicated to selling me on one of those home workouts called the Brazil Butt Lift Workout. I watched this workout and was intriqued because the workout coach, Leandro, promised me that if I do the workouts, my body is going to change. A promise is just what I was looking for! But 4 payments of $19.99 plus S&H was not worth a DVD... I have been down this road before, it was called Billy Blank's Tae Bo and it cost me $129 plus shipping and I did one workout before retiring the VHS tapes to the storage shelf forever, never to enter theVCR again.

A month later my husband tells me he has DVR'd an exercise program for me. When he started it I recognized Leandro and told him that this was not a program to watch now but an informercial to buy a program to do at home. I figured he would see that this was not what he thought it was and turn it off. But then he saw all the hot girls exercising in their little hot pants and sports bras while Leandro is touching their booties.  It was like 'Skin'emax so he watched the entire infomercial and then continued to tell me that I should get it. I laughed at him but a few days later he brought it up again. Sure dear, I can read between the lines... I have a fat ass and you would like me to do something about it. Got it. So I bought the DVD program on Amazon, which by the way is more expensive than buying it directly on the website now, and 2 days later I was ready to cash in on Leandro's promise that my body was going to change.

 

Realizing that Leandro is Fucking Nuts

The Brazil Butt Lift regime is broken into 5 different workouts. Bum Bum, Cardio Axe, High and Tight, Tummy Tuck, and Sculpt.

The Bum Bum is Leandro's "signature workout".  Supposedly he offers an exercise class in NY City just doing this workout. The best way to describe this workout is to do 30 minutes of squats, front lunges, back lunges, and side lunges.  Not only are you consistently stressing your butt muscles but you are doing it very quickly and in many cases doing it on one foot, building core strength and increasing balance and coordination - eventually. Ten minutes into this workout I realized that Leandro was flipping crazy. I had to stop every 2-3 minutes to ease the burning in my quadriceps (front of your thigh) and my lower back. I am looking at these hot skinny bitches doing this workout without breaking a sweat and smiling the whole time. If you have experienced this as well, I advise you to look closer. There is a reason Leandro is the ring leader, he can't actually do the workout and talk you through it at the same time. He just walks around the girls telling them they are doing it correctly and I am certain it is because he can't do it. You will also notice there are cuts along the way. These skinny bitches are getting a break!  I am 4 weeks into the workout now and I have to say I still can't get through the Bum Bum without at least 2 breaks. And when I am doing it, nobody is allowed to look because I resemble a seal trying to gracefully walk on land, throwing my weight around, rolls jiggling, and sweat a-plenty. This is not a pretty workout to watch.

The High and Tight workout is 35 minutes of targeted strength training. Using ankle weights and a resistance band, you will work at least 3 angles each on your lower butt, upper butt, inner thigh, outer thigh, and of course strengthen your core. This workout is actually doable without a break however it is another one that isn't pretty to watch. Again, Leandro doesn't actually DO the workout, he just supervises and directs.  Don't be fooled, just because you can do it without taking a break, this workout will burn! The hardest move is the suspended clam where you lay on your side with your thighs one of top of the other on the ground but your feet and heels slightly off the ground. From this position, you open your knees while keeping your feet together and raise your upper knee to point up to the ceiling. The picture to the right is the non-suspended clam, if she were to have her legs from the knees to her ankle off the ground, she would be doing the suspended clam. At first these are doable, but after your do them for 1 minute straight, I have been known to scream out loud...

Enter Sculpt. Sculpt is your typical gym workout working your  biceps, triceps, abs, lower back, deltoids, and core. If High and Tight is your lower body workout, then Sculpt is mostly upper body. The toughest part of Sculpt is the length. With 50 minutes of targeted toning and plenty of planks and variations of planks, you will not have anything left for another workout. Ughhhh, those planks... not just planks but one handed planks that move into side planks and then side bridges where you do a side plank and then let your body sag and then lift it up repeatedly. Did I mention that Leandro is fucking crazy? I say that to myself every time I get to this part of the workout.



Tummy Tuck is exactly what you would think it is, a 20 minute workout targeted to your abs. I can't say much about this workout because I have not been able to finish it yet. I have seen it finished many times, but I haven't been able to "finish" it myself.  I haven't been heavy my whole life but I can't for the life of me remember a time when I would have been able to do these exercises. I think the height of the workout where I yell obscenities at Leandro is when you lay on your back, lift your hips off the ground with your legs straight and feet in the air, and rotate your hips for 20 seconds. Are you flipping kidding me? I will NEVER be able to do that.  I even had a hard time finding a picture of it because NOBODY CAN DO IT. I think it is camera trickery that the girls on the workout video can actually do it. Luckily, the workout schedule only calls for this workout once a week.

Cardio Axe is a 30 minute cardio workout that is best compared to Latino dancing. It is a great workout after the first 2-3 times. The first time I tried this video I spent half the time staring at the screen with my eyebrow up saying "what the hell is he doing?" This one is sure to get your heart pumping but after 3 weeks I have to say that I sigh in relief when I see that Cardio Axe is on my workout schedule for today. Why you might ask? Because I finally KNOW IT! Once you know the moves, it actually becomes kind of fun, until there is 5 minutes left and you are like "really? do it again? Why!??? oh, I know, because Leandro is flippin nuts!"

The Regime - Commit or Don't Waste Your Time

So Leandro doesn't just give you the DVD's and let you at it.  There is a 4 week workout schedule depending on your body type: Flat, too big, pear shaped, or classic. Once you choose your body type, it tells you which workout to do every day, and it is at least one workout a day except for Sundays.  This workout regime is not forgiving, if you don't follow it, you won't see results.

I have many problems in this region so I am on an 8 week plan. First four weeks I am following the "too big" plan.  Hopefully I will lose some not so wanted inches and then I will start 4 weeks of the "pear shaped" plan.  Part of the too big plan is weight and fat loss so there is lots of Cardio Axe. You will work very hard on this regime but I  am pretty sure you will see results.  In the 4 weeks I have been following the regime I have lost an inch on my waist, hips, thighs and a half inch in my arms. I have seen a greater result in one place, my chest of course, which is shrinking at a rapid pace... damn Leandro. In 3 weeks I have only gone one day without doing my assigned workout, and I felt terribly guilty about it.


So if you are looking to lose some inches below the waist, definitely try the Brazil Butt Lift workout which is cheaper at BeachBody.com than it is on Amazon.com. If you are looking for a workout buddy, I can be your buddy! Also, after a short time with the workout regime, I can tell you Leandro is flipping nuts but his voice is very sexy so he gives you a good reason to keep working!

The Frustration and Reality of Weight Loss

I go to the gym - I gain weight. I take diet pills - I gain weight. I eat salads - I gain weight. Well, ok, this is all an exaggeration. I don't gain weight but I don't lose weight either which is what I desperately want to do.  The second I stop any of these things, THEN I gain weight. What's a girl to do?

The Sedentary Lifestyle
So what do I do everyday? That's easy... I sit. I wake up and I move from bed to a desk. I sit there for 8-9 hours while I work, occasionally getting up and getting some water or going out for lunch. I move from my desk to a car seat to go home at the end of the day. The good news is I have a second job, where I work from a desk at home for a few hours a week. I come home, make dinner, clean up the house, do some laundry, then sit on the couch to unwind with a glass of wine or water, do some Facebooking (my version of scrapbooking), and watch a little TV. Then I move from couch to bed. A couple times a week I may interrupt TV time with going to the gym for a spinning class and a workout. Now that you have my typical day, is it any wonder my ass is the size of Texas? It's no secret. But how do I get more active while still accomplishing my job(s) and getting some relaxation in? Just because you sit at work doesn't mean you don't suffer mental exhaustion.

Well, I have a family. What do they do? My husband does the same thing I do sans cleaning, cooking,  and gym. At least not during the week. My daughter always has a friend over where they play dress up and house and play restaurant. My son sits on the computer, plays video games, or watches TV from the time he gets home from school until bed time. Lately he has been putting in at least 1/2 hour of basketball practice outside too. I am so proud of him for this.

So how do I not only motivate myself but motivate a whole family to get more active in a cold winter climate when it is dark out by the time everyone is home from work? Herein lies my challenge. I could go to the gym more but leaving your family behind while they are all watching movies to go to the gym by yourself is no fun. It is disheartening. My daughter says, "Mommy, don't go. Why do you have to go to the gym?" I could say "Because mommy is a fat ass and you will be too someday" but I bite my tongue at least on the second half... not my finest parenting.

So what is the solution here? Suck it up for now. Go to the gym, there are no movies that important. Spring and daylight savings time is coming and then you can take the kids for a bike ride after dinner. Plan out some weekend activities that involve the whole family perhaps at Chesnut ridge. If hubby won't go, go without him.

 Cooking Balanced Meals on a Budget
A 'balanced meal' and a 'balanced meal optimized for weight loss' are too different things, at least they are in my perception. When I think balanced meal, I think meat, potato, vegetable.... something suitable for growing children. Baked chicken nuggets are ok as long as they also eat the scalloped potatos and broccoli. When eating to lose weight, you need to optimize for protein and minimize carbohydrates... more lean meats, less or no carbs. This poses two problems to growing children. First, they will starve to death or die nonetheless because I will kill them trying to force feed them lean meats. Sure occasionally they will have grilled chicken or a piece of steak, but grilled chicken, lean steak, broiled fish day in and day out will wear them out. They want chicken nuggets, fish sticks, mac and cheese, ravioli, spagetti and meatballs, tacos, etc. Secondly, children need carbohydrates. They don't have the fat stores that I have, carbs are still essential to their daily physical and brain functioning.

So the logical solution here is to cook for them and something else for me, but here is the catch. I am flippin flat broke. I can barely afford to cook us one meal let alone two. Not only am I low on cash, I am low on time to cook two meals. I know some people who can cook one or two food items at the beginning of the week and eat just that all week. I am a realist. I didn't get fat out of laziness. I got fat out of my love of food and all different kinds of food (and drink). I can't eat the same thing all week, I will fail at that.

Then of course the least obvious hurdle of all. HEALTHY FOOD IS EXPENSIVE. It is the cold hard truth. Produce, non-processed foods, organic foods, leaner cuts of meats...all more expensive than a trip to McDonalds or a box of Hamburger Helper. When shopping on a budget it is very easy to choose the cheaper alternative. I say "well, I will get this hamberger helper, I will just eat less of it".  This is not true and I know it.

My solution here is simply this... This is hard. I have to work at it. Planning in advance is essential. It will hopefully get easier the more I do it because right now, just planning a Tuesday dinner is stressful.

VooDoo Magic
Ok, so diet and exercise are basic weight loss 101. Everyone knows to lose weight you have to burn more calories than you ingest. But I believe in a multi-faceted approach. Why not try a little supplemental help.

It wasn't my intention to develop routine migraine headaches about a year ago but unfortunately it happened. As I began seeing a specialist for treatment, he puts me on this drug called Topamax. Unfortunately, he tells me, there is one very major side effect. Most of his patients experience significant weight loss. (SCORE!). I started the Topamax in April 2011. I have gained 20 lbs.

I recently started seeing a doctor who specialized in weight loss. He did blood tests on me to check my thyroid and all that fun stuff to see if there was a medical reason for my weight gain. He says I am very healthy, just fat. Well, that is reassuring. I think I would rather be sickly but able to shop at the Limited.  He puts me on an appetite suppresant and metabolism booster called Phentermine. Phentermine was one of the ingredients of the massively popular Phen-phen of the 90's. Thankfully it is not the Phen that caused heart attacks. Phentermine by itself is known to boost metabolism and cause moderate to heavy weight loss. Phentermine combined with Topamax is being touted as the new Phen-Phen. I have been on this concoction for 2 weeks. I have also been on top of the gym and diet scene. I have not lost a single pound.

I read the book The Secret. I visualized for hours me as a skinny girl again. That would be around 2004 when all the stars aligned and I successfully became a lifetime member of Weight Watchers and maintained a weight of 135 for 2 years. It was so easy then... Anywho not only did I visualize this every night as I went to bed, but I dug up pictures of my skinny days and hung them on the fridge, at work, in front of my washer....the result? That Secret stuff is a load of crap.


The summary of all this ramble is this.. losing weight is HARD. There is no easy fix. (I haven't tried liposuction yet though).  No matter what there will always be a hurdle and it will never get any easier. The fail-safe greatest weight loss tools ever don't work for everyone. And finally the fat on my body really likes it here and doesn't want to go anywhere.