A Detour on the Journey

The Discovery

Christmas Eve 2012 after dinner, which was really awesome and I didn't have to host it, we came home to tuck the kids in bed and prepare for Christmas morning (wink, wink). After changing into my pj's I put my hand over my heart as my way of relaxing myself. Much to my surprise I feel a lump on the left hand side of my chest, where you would put our hand for the pledge of allegiance. Because I am naturally a hypochondriac, I ask hubby to verify that he felt it too, which he did.  "Better get that checked out" he says.  And check it out I will at my next Ob/Gyn annual which was already scheduled for mid January.

New Years Eve 2012 I wake up and go about my business going to work. Not until I get to work and see the first live person of the day do I realize that I can't get any sound to come out of my mouth. Not total laryngitis but definitely labored speech. Damn. I just had my annual cold 3 weeks ago, what the heck is this? Normally I would call my doctor but the truth is that I don't have one.  I have a foot doctor (2 of them actually), a girlie doctor, an orthopedic doctor, a headache doctor, and a mental doctor.  However, if I have a general cold or need a flu shot, I don't have a Primary Care Physician (PCP).  Did I mention I was a hypochondriac? Or at least I was at one point in my life.... I have found that I have been too busy to be that way for some time now. What I did learn from my years of hypochondriasis is that if you are visiting one of those specialty doctors for a specialty problem but you have a cold or the flu, they will treat you.  So, I happen to have this lump I found a week ago that strangely didn't go away, so I call up my girlie doctor to see me right away.  Sure enough, the get me in under the false pretenses of this worrysome lump and tell me it is a viral infection (my cold) and just needs to go away on its own. However this worrisome lump is quite worrisome. I needed a new mammogram.

 

The Mammogram

January 3rd I went into Windsong Radiology for my second ever mammogram. They are not so bad after all, and at this point I am just going through the motions because I am certain that this lump is a fatty deposit or a result of my monthly hormonal changes. This time was different. It was bad. Very bad. It was extremely painful like putting the most sensitive part of your body into a vice voluntarily. Men can compare it to having their scrotum squeezed like a pimple about to pop.  Women... well, they probably have experienced it. My first mammogram wasn't this painful.  I had no idea what had changed this time around, perhaps where I was in my cycle? 

The Ultrasound

To be safe, my Ob/Gyn also ordered an ultrasound of the lump on my left breast. Happy that the mammogram was over, it was nothing for me to lay on the bed with my arm over my head while the girl massaged me with warm ultrasound jelly. I almost fell asleep because I was so relaxed and happy to be out of the mammography machine.  When the radiologist was done, she told me she was just going to make sure the doctor was happy with the images she got and then I could go back to work. To my surprise she came back and said she had to look at the right side too. For the first time I had a twinge of anxiety about this. "Wait... what?" This time I was not falling asleep. I was on high alert craning my neck to see what the radiologist saw on the screen. I kept seeing a black hole.  I am not in the least bit medically trained.  But most of the tissue looks white, the black hole I am thinking is the cyst but it looks black... hollow... liquid filled.  This is good! When the radiologist was done the second time, again she went to show the pictures to the doctor and I went to work on my iPhone checking WebMD for breast ultrasounds and tumors on mammograms. I found that 10% of all mammograms show tumors or cysts and of those 10%, only 10% of those are malignant. That means for every 100 mammograms, 1 is cancer. Those are pretty good odds. When the radiologist came back in again, she said the doctor wanted more close ups of the right hand side with a different camera. That didn't take too long so soon I was dressed and ready to go home.

Wait, hold up there... not so fast.  The doctor wanted to see me. This is when I was brought into a small viewing room with monstrous 'better than 1080p' monitors lined the wall and the doctor was looking at all the images that were currently being taken throughout the mammography wing. She showed me my mammograms which showed little kidney bean shaped white spots that were concerning her on both breasts. "They are not symmetrical or smooth" she said. "Plus, since we cannot find your baseline mammogram from 2 years ago, we have nothing to compare it to so we have to be over cautious" she added.  Well this I understood. Breast cancer seems to be running rampant these days, I certainly understood and appreciated her over cautiousness. The next steps, she said, was a biopsy of each of the 3 kidney bean shaped masses.

The Biopsy

The waiting for the biopsy was the hardest part. They got me dressed appropriately, showed me a video explaining what was going to happen, and then they lead me to the biopsy room. There I sat and waited for over an hour for the doctor to come in.  Thank God for my iPhone I was able to do emails, chat on Facebook, and play poker which helped pass the time. Thank goodness I didn't bring anyone with me who would have been in the waiting room all this time... the 1 hour mammogram and ultrasound had now taken almost 3 1/2 hours! Also thank goodness I have an understanding boss who was able to deal with the fact that I went out on lunch and never came back for the rest of the day.

Finally three radiologists and the doctor came in to do the biopsy.  A breast biopsy is not as intense as it sounds.  I basically laid on the table like I did for the ultrasound. When the radiologist found my masses with the ultrasound, the doctor inserted them with a needle. This needle had a local anesthetic which quickly numbed the area. Then another needle inserted into the mass took a small chunk of the tumor as it exited for testing. Then a third needly inserted into the mass deposited a small titanium clip into the mass so that when I had future mammograms, the radiologist would know that those masses had been tested already.  I now officially have bionic boobs. They did this to 3 masses and deposited 3 titanium clips. It really wasn't that painful. I was chatting and laughing with the 3 radiologists who were holding me still (I guess they thought I would try to run away?) and we were comparing the texting habits of our pre-teens.  All fun and games. I was completely relaxed and completely sure that I was perfectly fine and all this was just a precautionary measure.  Figures... for years I think something is wrong with me and there isn't. Then I think there is nothing wrong with me and there is. I finally left the office 5 hours after my appointment time. I missed the entire afternoon at work and my lunch date with my husband.  Planning on a big lunch, I skipped breakfast and come 5:00 I was very sorry for that decision.  My stomach was louder than the musak that was playing overhead. I was out of there and so glad to meet up with hubby and kids for a dinner out since I hadn't taken out anything for dinner and was completely famished.

That first needle that delivered the pain killer was my messiah. Once that pain killer wore off, the next 3 days were tortuous. I couldn't lift my purse let alone anything substantial. I couldn't raise my arms over my head to get anything off the fridge or off a high shelf.  My right breast was so bruised it turned purple, nipple and all, over more than half of it.  I usually hate ice on my skin, even when its necessary, but ice packs were so very welcome for the next few days.  I will go to great lengths to avoid ever having a breast biopsy again.

The Cancer

The next few days went on as usual.  Even though I was still convinced that there was nothing wrong with me, something had changed. I called my girlfriend of many years and said that we need to go out. I stopped trying to impress everyone with how strong I can be and started asking people to carry things for me. I let my kids cuddle with me on the chair even though they were partially sitting on the arm of the chair, which will eventually break the chair. I went to a family party and played with the little kids. I wore a new sweater that I got for Christmas that was a little too short and tight but I liked the way it felt, even though it made me look fat. I downloaded and started reading a book that I knew nothing about. I prayed before bed.  All the while I was convinced that this is just a drill, but I wanted to see things differently from now on.

That Monday, 3 days after the biopsy, I received a call from my Ob/Gyn asking if the radiologist had told me anything about the biopsy and I said they hadn't, I was hoping she was calling to give me results.  She said she was and unfortunately all three masses that they had biopsied showed positive for IDC - invasive ductal carcinoma - a common form of breast cancer. She told me it was well differentiated and intermediate nuclear grade. I was on my way into our weekly meeting at work so I told her I would have to call her back for more information and I went to our meeting. That was a mistake. Do you remember watching the Charlie Brown specials and when the teacher would talk, it would sound like "Wah mwah mwah mwah mwah?".  That's what my boss was saying. For 20 minutes I had no idea what was going on before I realized that if I continued to stand there I may be asked a question and I had no idea what was going on, so I slipped out and returned to my desk.  Then I called my doctor back and asked her what "intermediate nuclear grade" and "well differentiated" meant. She told me she was not sure, but the breast surgeon would tell me. I could get in to see her on January 24th, 17 days later. Yeah. OK, that was not happening. If I had to wait 17 days for more information I would be in a straight jacket. I had to get answers pronto.

Coping

So what would you do if your doctor just called you and told you that you had cancer? Yep, me too. If I called you or said anything stupid to you on Monday January 7th I apologize. I was very drunk.

Then on Tuesday, January 8th, I woke up and got to work on getting better!